Open Letter to Mom Bloggers

 

Dear Mom Bloggers, 

I hope this letter finds you well and that your family leaves you alone long enough to read this - so go ahead and lock yourself in the bathroom now.

It was a little over a month ago that I set foot in the world of Mom Blogging. I came with no prior knowledge except that it was better than banging out my thoughts on a typewriter and locking them in the attic for the kids to find years after my death.  I can imagine them finding the hidden posts and then sobbing when confronted by the awe-inspiring poetic talent that lived in their midst. They would then languish in the guilt that perhaps if they hadn't been so selfish (feed me) and demanding (clothe me) they may have gotten to know their mother better. Grief stricken, they would turn to their father (who is still living because that's his punishment) and insist that a large shrine be built in my honor where all will come to hear my inspiring essays. My husband is then forced to take all the life insurance money (suck it, new wife) and build said shrine, where he too will weep (no one wants an old broke widower) and wish he had been more supportive so I could have published my thoughts while still living (instead of leaving me with the kids three nights a week to go to soccer). 

Oh I am so sorry, this isn't about me, this letter is all about YOU. I have been reading your posts, following your Tweets and I have so many thoughts they couldn't possibly all fit in your little comment box, so I have written you this letter and I hope you enjoy it. Fair warning, it's a bit cheeky - but also fun,  like getting a Brazilian wax from Betty White.

First of all, your blog site looks amazing. You clearly spend a lot of time and energy on it and it shows. You also make me wonder if we couldn't help unemployment simply by having Microsoft use Mom Bloggers for its help lines. Of course you already know you are a Word Press wizard and your site looks great, which leads me to my next point.

You push people to your site like a drunken carnie at the ball toss. Now come on - let's be honest. I haven't seen this much fighting for a pole position since open auditions for Dancing With The Strippers. (Snookie is voted off first episode) It's understandable, if my site looked like yours I would want it featured in the next issue of Cookie magazine. Of course it's not just how great your site looks it's your posts that keep moms coming back.

You really like to test products. I am starting to think we could do away with animal testing labs given your willingness to try the range of products the marketing gurus send your way. I'll admit that I am a tad jealous. I would be a product whore too if someone would send something to my house other than coupons for duct cleaning.

You also love give aways. It brings out your inner Oprah. “I am giving away VVVIIIBRRAATORS LAAADIES” **Wild Cheering Applause** Don't take offense,  I am just jealous because I am too disorganized to hand out prizes. You would have to come to my house to pick up your prize where it would be waiting out front in a plastic bag. (Unless my husband threw the bag away and then you would stand on my porch feeling awkward while I scream profanities at him).

But this is all an oversimplification of what you do and it  is a lot more than test vibrators and give away skin cream.

You are brave. You share your life stories to help moms through everything from colic to special needs to autism. That is amazing. You are an unsung hero and I am sure there are no shortage of mothers, marriages and ultimately children who have benefited from your candid testimonials. You exemplify the power of the personal.

You are funny. Oh My God, you are funny! I don't know the acronym for "Off My Zoloft Thanks to You" but that sums it up. I want us to hang out and play drinking games.

Which reminds me - you are a lush. Honestly, why your blog isn’t sponsored by Grey Goose or Jackson Triggs is beyond me.

By now there is probably banging on your bathroom door, so I will wrap up.

You are genuinely interesting and creative and have set the bar high. I hope I can keep up.

 Yours truly,

Tina aka Three In The Bed 

Comments

[Kristy]

Wow, Thanks Tina! I can tell you were thinking EXACTLY of me when you wrote that...except that I don't have any dildos to give you, and no one is sending me free products to "test" (btw - if you're done with those duct cleaning coupons, can you send one my way? My ducts are in desperate need, and I simiply can't stomach full price!)

And not to worry...AS SOON as I get my Jackson Triggs sponsorship (coming any day, I'm sure) you can come over to play some drinking games!

Thanks for the laugh! Keep it up - I will read yours religiously :)

[Crazyladyx5.wordpress.com]

ROFLOL!! HILARIUS!! And Oh so true.. I feel so guilty now...

[Allfookeduptoo]

Hey there. I'm also new to blogging and its a funny world out there. There are times that I feel like Alice and that I fell through the rabbit hole!! Great letter!

[mommymmsankey.blogspot.com]

What a great post! See unlike your husband mine never thows the bags out...

[Tiffany Noth]

I'm so glad you're enjoying the mom blogosphere!!!! So glad to have you on Bloggy Moms :)

[amber]

You are a breath of fresh air in the blogosphere. If I had a vibrator to give away, you would win, but I don't so instead you'll just have to accept my silent applause (I'm stuck in a cube at work, worse than a bathroom at home).

[Keri Pugh]

Thanks for the laugh on this...sometimes, my thoughts exactly! The blogosphere has certainly been eye-opening!

[Stlfamilylife]

Funny! I'm totally going to rig our next sex toy giveaway so you win. Right after I get my Vodka sponsorship. (Come drinks with us! We do margaritas too!)

[Alexandra]

Ok, hello, big announcement acomin':
MY NEW BLOGGY CRUSH IS HERE!

Wild, wild letter...I love it.

And, yes, it's bloggers like you that make the case for my children to be taken away from them due to neglect, and uninhabitable conditons.

Let me do mah housework already, woman.

LOVE THIS LETTER AND GLAD YOU"RE A BLOGGER AND CAN WE BE BESTIES AND I KNOW I"M SCARY.

SORRY.

Off the Prozac, thanks to you. xo

and a puffy heart, too.

[Alexandra/The Empress]

Hey, I'm really dense and stuff. How do you know the above comment and this one are from me??? I tried to sign in but it said I was invalid and nonexistent.

Nice, I know.

Anyway, my name is Alexandra and my website is www.gooddayregularpeople.com

I am going to tweet the heck out of you (is your husband jealous?)

[BuenoBaby]

“I am giving away VVVIIIBRRAATORS LAAADIES” Can I use this for my holiday masthead?

[Pop]

Vibrators? No wonder I don't participate in momblog giveaways.

This was hilarious!

[Jami]

I wash my Zoloft down with tequila which may explain why a) I don't keep my blog up any more, b) I don't care.

Funny post!

[Mrs. B.]

That was brilliant! A bit of cheek is always a good thing, and wrapping it up with those heartfelt thoughts was great! I'm sure I'll enjoy reading more of your blog-as soon as I can find some time to lock myself in the bathroom again!

[BalancingMama (Julie)]

Very funny. Visiting from a re-tweet I saw. You already get more comments than I do! Good job :)
www.3MomsIn1.com

[NotJustAnotherJennifer]

OMG, that is hilarious! I love it.

[Brooke Farmer]

This was hysterical! Thanks so much for the lunchtime laughs! I'm a mom and I blog but this really isn't addressed to me because I don't blog much about mommyhood. (I started mine after my son left to live with his dad.) Loved this though, even if it wasn't to me. It was like opening the boyfriends email inbox to read something written to him, except without the crazy, jealous motivating factor.

Or maybe there was a crazy jealous motivating factor. Because I totally wish this letter was addressed to me.

[Allison @ Alli n Son]

Hee, hee, I love this!

[Robin (noteverstill)]

Awesome. Welcome to the madhouse!!

[Elizabeth Flora Ross]

Thank you for my hearty dose of laughter for the day. Much needed. Better than any medicine. Fantastic post!

[tulpen]

I totally won a sex toy giveaway once, got drunk and blogged about it. Absolute truth right there.

[Ash]

Totally laughing with the first sentence - I had just pushed the lock when the link went through. No lie. You know (us) so well!!!

Can't wait to get to know you. As soon as NaNoWriMo is blessedly done.

Welcome! (clink)

[Average Girl]

Hello there -- I was sent here by your new stalker, the Empress Alexandra, above. You definitely want her on your side.

Loved your post, because I feel the same way. I promise my readers sooooooo much less than you've listed. I like to think that I help other bloggers feel better about themselves. ;)

[Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom)]

This is hilarious! Welcome to blogland :) It seems you will do just fine and I too was sent over by the Empress. She really is the Queen of blogland :)

Have fun and i'm looking forward to reading!

[June]

Well said, indeed!

Welcome to Blogland and all it's craziness!